Insane how everything happened so fast. In a matter of 2 weeks, i lost friends i’ve had for years+ and a my boyfriend of 1 year and 1 month. It was all my fault. I know these losses were all consequences of my bad choices.

It all became so overwhelming though; overwhelming guilt that i have hurt those that meant so much to me. I no longer wanted to be here anymore. Although, to be honest, i have been to this point before, but i never actually had my escape in hand, pointing directly towards the part of me i thought i no longer deserved for all that i have done. 

But in the midst of my hysteria, my family came and reassured me that i had so much more going for me. Ultimately, they told me to turn to God. And i did.

I began reading the bible, which, to be honest i never really did much of before this. It was amazing. The instant i opened the book, i read His words that applied to my situation or how i felt. It was as if He was really talking to me; telling me everything would be ok. I was building the relationship i have always wanted with God. I was talking to Him.

And now, i’ve come to realize that this was all a lesson. Because now, i really want to help those like me. Those who have sinned, and feel they don’t deserve His forgiveness. but the beautiful thing is, He DOES forgive. I want to give them hope. And now i am so excited to spread His word. That as long as they are willing to change, as i am, and accept that this is His plan, they will be ok.

It isn’t what you’ve done but what you become. 

I wont lie though, i am still incredibly remorseful and sad but i have came to an understanding. I don’t blame anyone but myself. Although you would think, i would be angry or even hate God for taking so much from me. I never was. Again, i knew it was all my wrong doing. This was my punishment. My lesson. And again, i am not trying to make myself seem like a saint. Im far from it, really. But i am changing. I feel it.

It’s just hard. Because among all, i didn’t want to lose you Eugene. You were there for me. And with all that is happening to me now, i need you badly. Not as my boyfriend exactly, but as my best friend. I know my family is continuously telling me not to say this, but i do feel alone. You truly were everything. Still are. And you and your family never deserved any of the pain and trouble i have caused you. As said a million times before, you’re an amazing person. you deserve the world and more.

…<//////3

This has to be done though. Our separation. But i know God isn’t done with you and i. Because i really did/do see a future with you, as a couple or as friends. 

For now, i am determined to help those like me. I want to spread His words. And i have all faith in that He will take care of me. He always has.

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. Romans 8:18